Clash of Ego's
by TheGreatHsuster
Summary: The smash dimension is in upheaval. Wars have sparked between the various villainous factions while dogmatic followers of the Nintendo faith prowl the streets in search of heretics, and it all started when Bowser sexually accosted the wrong woman.


Warning: This is a bizarre story that features Bowser and Samus shipping, deranged reimagining of characters, and three original characters, two of which are complete and utter sociopaths. If you dislike that sort of premise I suggest you abort now. This story was also created for the purpose of winning a bet and as such contains a few inside jokes that you will probably not understand. Hopefully this doesn't detract from your enjoyment of this fic, assuming you did at some enjoy reading it at some level. I also appreciate constructive criticism as my grasp on the english language is far from perfect.

Besides his strength, size, resilience, and ability to breath fire, Bowser was best known for his harebrained schemes. An impatient simpleton at birth, the koopa king's evil plots had never been of stellar quality but as the years rolled on by his ability to conquer had diminished severely. A lifetime of defeat and humiliation by the hands, or in this case, feet of the Mario brothers had worsened his already legendary temper and it was more than likely that having his head stomped on thousands of times had taken its toll on Bowser's brain. Not that Kamek would say that to his face.

The magikoopa was as loyal to his king as any evil minion could be however his devotion did not blind him to the true. Objectively, it was quite clear that Bowser's chance of achieving his lifelong dream of conquering the Mushroom kingdom, killing Mario, eating Yoshi, and making princess Peach his waifu was low, and growing slimmer by the moment. It didn't help that a pair of floating gloved hands with the power of gods contained in their fingertips had condensed the multiple Nintendo universes into one, providing Mario with more allies and Bowser more enemies.

Kamek had prayed to Miyamoto in hopes that the great god of the pipes would take pity upon his lord and bless the despot in the form of inspiring the koopa king to spend his seemingly limitless vigor on another goal, but alas, the Nintendo pantheon were a capricious lot. Rather than grant their favorite villainous terrapin the wisdom needed to end his hopeless campaign, sibilant whispers had only served to further fan the flames of his hatred and ego. With the odds stacked against him, Bowser become even more determined to succeed and long as his ambition continued to burn, Kamek and the rest of his koopa troop would aid him in that impossible task, even at the cost of their dignity as it did now.

Every year or so Master Hand and Crazy hand would throw a luxurious party for their champions that they had uncreatively referred to as the "roster" as a way of thanking them for the endless amusement they provided the deities. Bowser of course was among the many honored guests of course but only until very recently had his son, nephews, niece, and advisor also received the honor of being invited to to join in the annual celebration.

A development that Bowser planned on exploiting. Once significantly outnumbered by the forces of good and lacking in reliable villainous support the, odds were no longer completely stacked against him. While that was fortunate for him that news did not bode well for Kamek as he was forced to dress in drag for the sake of his master's plan...again. The magikoopa took small comfort in the fact that his disguise did not require an itchy wig and dress as it had before but he still felt hideously awkward as several dozen eyes peered down at his hunched as he, Bowser, Junior, and the koopalings entered Master Hand's estate. Thankfully the stares didn't last long as nobody was willing to look at his revolting powdered face for more than a few seconds.

Flippant as always, King Dedede couldn't resist taunting his rival. "Finally found yourself a princess, eh Bowser?"

The scent of roast penguin wafted throughout the golden mansion as a shrieking Dedede rolled across the floor in a desperate attempt to extinguish his blazing robes. Not satisfied in simply setting fire to his heckler, Bowser stomped on Dedede's face. "That's my grandma ya moron!" he lied, able to feign indignant rage rather easily.

A being formed from entropy, Crazy Hand had naturally been drawn in by the commotion cackled knowingly. It had been waiting for a bit of chaos to spice things up.

Within the expansive confines of the Big Battlefield arena, a massacre of unrivaled scales was taking place. The corpses of a hundred mii characters were scattered throughout the area, its once green terrain stained black by the pools of black ichor that spilled from their broken bodies. The perpetrators of the mass killings were none other than the ruthless bounty hunters Samus Aran and Samus Aran.

Once a single entity, through Master Hands reality warping abilities and the power female squishy bits had over human carnal desire, the intergalactic mercenary had been split into two entities. The older of the two inherited her progenitors equipment and attitude. Withdraw and serious, the armored mercenary rarely spoke and the in the times she did her words came out in a mumbled drawl, as if talking were a laborious chore. If it weren't for her shorter frame and lack of hatred towards her fellow smasher, Ridley Junior, junior, junior, one could easily mistake her for the original Aran. In direct contrast to her counterpart's introverted behavior, the younger Samus, who now referred to herself as "Zero," exhibited a playfully flirtatious demeanor. Unlike both past and present Samus, Zero thoroughly enjoyed interacting with others and took no offense to the many suitors that showed interest in her physical appearance, in fact she reveled in the attention, which was main reason she and her duplicate were currently engaged in a battle to the death.

Although they were squabbling over the prettiest of issues, what had initially started at as a minor spat rapidly devolved to where they were now. In fact they were so engrossed in their fight that they did not realize the full extent of the carnage they had caused nor did they notice the scores of innocents that they slaughtered in their duel for supremacy, which was something the Great Hsuster would not stand.

Hidden within a piece of inconspicuous shrubbery the corpulent brawler simmered with rage. Not out of compassion for the dead, far from it, he detested the vast majority of his kind that he was forced to coexist with and took delight in witnessing them expire in the most gruesome of fashions. No, the reason his teeth were bared in a bestial snarl was because it was quite obvious to him that his fellow avatars were not being actively hunted, instead they merely the victims of collateral damages. Things that the two had evidently deemed unworthy of their acknowledgment. This he could not tolerate. He may have viewed himself as superior to the rest of his kind but he was still a mii. By treating the other miis as lesser beings they were by extension insulting him. Clenching his fists he swore he would strike them down for their insolence. Once the two had worn each other out of course.

"In other words, you're not willing to fight them until they've been weakened."

The Hsuster struck the one who dared to question his unwavering courage and tactical brilliance in the face with a vicious backhanded slap.

"Silence yourself," he spat towards the stricken gunner, known as Saul of the BBS, a scrawny creature whose ugliness caused many to claw out their own eyes. For the sake of my dear readers sanity, the full hideousness of his appearance would be left undescribed, but know that he was of a slightly darker skin tone and wore rounded spectacles after he had burned out his corneas after he had overindulged in internet porn.

"That is a lie!" Saul shouted an accusation that was incredibly ironic as one could see the dishonesty that dripped from his forked tongue as yet again spoke untruths.

"I don't have a forked tongue!" Saul denied exasperatedly. "And quit narrating! Its creepy and its going to get us killed!"

"No its not." Sir Bonk, the Hsuster's stalwart allied retorted. Whiter than a newborn baby dipped in bleach a vast swathe of masculine facial hair grew from his chin. Though he was classified as a swordsman, he wielded a brutal maquahuitl that his spaniard family pillaged from their ancient aztecan foes.

Saul's eye bulged as his claims were handily refuted by his companion, an odd habit of his that would probably only end the day they rolled out of his skull. "Shut up Miguel!" he yelled informally referring to Sir Bonk by his given name.

"Saul!" Sir Bonk cried out in offense. "You're not supposed to call each other by our real names you BBS!"

"You two call me by my real name all the time!"

Hsuster suddenly grabbed Saul by the neck and shoved his head deep within the soil. "Quite Saul! You'll blow our cover!"

While Saul flailed his arms around wildly the Hsuster poked his head out of the shrubbery. The sounds of gunshots, explosions, and shattering bones had inexplicably ceased and other than the ghastly groans of the dying Big Battlefield had gone completely quiet.

"Where the hell did they go?" he asked in bemusement

His inquiry was soon answered in the form of Zero gracefully leaping into their hiding place and inadvertently plowing Saul's head even deeper into the ground.

Covered in small cuts and specks of dirt, the beautiful bounty hunter that the Great Hsuster totally did not beat off to and Saul totally did, panted in exertion, barely paying any mind to the three miis besides her, or in Saul's case, beneath her.

Only until she had caught her breath did she greet the startled miis.

"Hey," she said, waving slightly.

"Uh, hey," the Hsuster replied awkwardly, as he totally didn't stare at her womanly parts while Saul totally did.

"Mghmghaher. Mahghaherahr! Mahaheehr!" Saul growled, which roughly translated as, 'Are you kidding me? My heads in the ground! I can't even see her!"

"So," Zero hummed. "What are you guys up to?"

"Thinking of ways of butchering all those that oppose me-I mean, nothing much." the Hsuster stated unconvincingly, his normally inconspicuous sociopathic self briefly surfacing as he was totally not distracted by her large rack that swayed in tune with the movement of the universe itself. He was fairly sure that Saul was rolling his eyes so he stomped on his head. Before Zero could make comment on his statement of Ridley levels of savagery the Hsuster quickly turned the question back to her.

She sighed tiredly, "In a gunfight with other Samus. Again."

"We noticed." Sir Bonk said mildly. "What are you even fighting about anyway?"

She rolled her eyes. "You know about the party that Master Hand is hosting tonight?" the Hsuster, Sir Bonk, and Saul said no at the same time, or in Saul's case, tried say no but ended up with a mouth full of wriggling worms and grit.

She laughed. "I figured. Anyway, Peach suggested I dressed up for once and loaned me one of her dresses. I thought "why not" and was in the middle of dressing up when other Samus barged in and shoved a gun in my face."

Saul who had been on the verge of suffocating finally mustered the strength needed to tear his head from out of the ground.

"Are you telling me this whole time you've been fighting over a friggin dress?" he screamed in disbelief.

Zero slightly unnerved by his outburst took several steps away from him. One could hardly blame her for this, for at this moment, covered in dirt and staring at her through bulging bloodshot eyes he looked like a filthy homeless man addicted to all manner of drugs. Then again, that's how he normally looked, so she would have to get used to that if she planned on keeping regular contact with the three miis.

"I do not look like that!" Saul roared towards the heavens. Tired of his constant interruptions, the narrator of this story chucked a highly venomous lizard at his face. Screaming in terror, he struggled to wrestle the lizard's deadly jaws away from his soft flesh.

For some bizarre reason nobody seemed aware of Saul's dire plight and did not hear his pitiful cries for help.

"Why does she even care how you dress?" Sir Bonk asked, stroking his beard confusedly.

"A little help here!"

Zero shrugged. "She thinks that I damage her image by dressing up femininely." She crossed her arms and huffed in annoyance. "Who does she think she is? Telling me what I can and cannot wear?"

"Guys?"

"I understand how you feel," the Hsuster murmured, nodding sympathetically. "I was expelled from high school after I began wearing my enemies' teeth around my neck. They said it was inappropriate!" he ranted, while jiggling the pieces of ivory animatedly. "said it wasn't something normal people wear!"

_Bang _

Jumping slightly at the sounds of gunfire, the Hsuster and Sir Bonk looked towards where the noise had come from while Zero took a battle stance. They all noticeably relaxed when they realized the sound had come from Saul's smoking pistol, a bullet ridden reptile twitching at his feet.

"Thanks a lot," he snarked. Pointedly ignoring Hsuster and Sir Bonks repeated comments of "lizard" he turned towards Zero a blank expression on his face. "Let me get this straight," he began. "the reason you and her been fighting each other for hours and practically killed every mii here besides us is because you two are fighting over a stupid **dress**!

Her eyes widened at that. "Kill?" she asked in bewilderment.

"Yes!" he yelled," pointing towards several dead brawlers in the distance. As he said this a look of guilt crossed Zero's features.

"They all deserved it." Hsuster declared quickly and perhaps untruthfully.

"Oh, that's reassuring!' Zero exclaimed cheerfully, immediately taking his word for it.

Saul facepalmed. "I give up." he muttered to himself in defeat. It was in that instant a bolt of plasma incinerated the shrub the four had taken shelter in. Rolling out before the now blazing foliage seared their flesh, they were confronted by an unamused Samus.

"Now look at what you've done Saul!" Sir Bonk chided.

"Seriously dude? We've all been shouting these past few minutes, she probably heard all of us."

Samus cocked her head curiously. "Really? I didn't hear anything until someone slapped their forehead."

While Saul contemplated suicide over the cosmic injustice of his apparent rejection by life, the other the three readied themselves for a fight. The Hsuster in particular seemed eager to fight, pounding his broad chest as he bellowed like an animal. Unimpressed by the display, Samus aimed an arm cannon at him. Staring down the barrel of the gun he immediately put an end to what he was doing and walked away.

"I'm out." he declared.

Saul facepalmed again and Zero threw her arms up in the air in exasperation. "Oh come on!"

He smiled back ruefully. "Sorry, but I am not risking my neck for someone I just met."

Samus nodded. "Smart move." Loading a missile into her arm cannon she aimed the gun at Zero when a heavy object crashed into the side of her helmet. She staggered slightly, glaring at the Hsuster who had just lobbed a heavy iron ball at her.

"Justa keeding!" he laughed. Leaping into the air with agility that belied his overweight frame, he fell towards with one of legs extended forwards. "Souring axea kicku!" he shouted suddenly adopting a strange Asian accent. With embarrassing ease, Samus avoided the flashy attack countering with a kick of her own. The Hsuster uttered a series of curses as he bounced painfully off the ground. Slightly dazed from the blow she had received, Samus was unable to react to the glowing plasma whip that lashed around her neck. Tugging hard, Zero pulled Samus towards her and delivered several vicious knees to her midsection. Sir Bonk took the opportunity to whack his incapacitated over the head, only to cry out in dismay when the obsidian blades shattered against her helmet. He promptly blamed Saul for the frailty of his weapon.

Hissing in annoyance, Samus slammed her helm against Zero's unarmored forehead stunning her. Elbowing her disoriented foe, she knocked Zero onto her back and whirled around to deal with her other assailant.

Firing a missile at Sir Bonk, the swordsman barely avoided the projectile by flopping onto the ground. Sailing past his head, the explosive instead detonated by a grief stricken Saul temporarily deafening him.

Before Samus could make another attempt at shooting Sir Bonk something grabbed her from behind, lifting her off her feet. Grunting in exertion, the Hsuster performed a german suplex on her, slamming her head and shoulders into the ground. Lavishing endless praise upon himself, the Hsuster did not notice when an enraged Zero aimed a taser at his struggling captive. As punishment his negligence, he shrieked in pain when the electric discharge coursed through Samus's armor to his body to the iron balls that he kept within his pants. Needless to say, neither of them were in any condition to fight any longer.

"Oops." Zero chuckled, nervously. Smiling apologetically, she offered the frothing brawler Sir Bonk her thanks, "Is there any way I could repay you two?" she asked, deliberately excluding Saul.

"Access to your bank account would be nice." the Hsuster croaked.

She pursed her lips.

"How about I buy you guys a couple of drinks?"

"That works too."

Zero laughed. "Alright it's a deal," she looked to Sir Bonk. "Any idea what time it is?"

He pulled a watch from his pocket. "It's almost eight."

"Shit!" she swore. "Were going to be late for the party!"

"We?" Sir Bonk asked, an eyebrow raised.

Zero shrugged. "Why not?"

"Aren't those things reserved for members of the roster only?"

"Don't worry about it. I could get you guys inside easy, besides, I heard Master Hand's been looking to recruit some fighters. "

"Really?" the Hsuster gurgled happily.

She nodded. "Yeah, I'll put in a good word for you. We just have to get there first." with that said she pulled a rectangular device from out of her suit, punching in a series of numbers, her gunship arrived in a streak of yellow light.

"Sweet." Sir Bonk grunted helping the Hsuster enter the spacecraft.

"Wait for me!" Saul cried out, who was eventually allowed in, albeit, with much reluctance.


End file.
